I haven't posted in a really long time and this is going to be my last post. this blog is full of many memories and alot of heartache and right now i want to close that all away deep within me. my grand mother died this morning and i want that pain to go away, along with all of the other pain i've typed out. so be done. don't come here anymore because there is nothing left here for you, or me. goodbye

I'm going to Charleston. More than that, I'm letting myself get excited about going to Charleston. Not everyone is thrilled by this decision, but I knew that would happen when I made it.

Charleston offered me $48,000 over the next four years, making my already made up mind pause to think. So much for an easy choice.

An addendum

An addendum to my last post:
it's amazing what talking to the right person can do to make me feel better. You pushed back the clouds for at least a little bit tonight and for that I'm ever so grateful.

It’s a lonely night—a night for driving along dark, winding deserted roads listening to the hauntingly soothing notes of a very gifted Celtic singer. It’s a night to drive home through the dark shedding tears for so many things, things you didn’t know you still carried inside of you. It’s a night for sitting in the car with the world washing over you and remembering those you lost and wishing that they were still here. But most of all it’s a night for sitting and reflecting and craving answers better than the one’s within you.
Right now I feel lost. I’m not sure where I went, where my drive and passion are lying dormant. I cannot get motivated, cannot wake up from this perpetual dream. I lie in bed long after my alarm goes off, unable to will myself to rise from beneath the warmth and security of my down blanket. I go through the motions of my day, waking up here and there, remembering to smile and laugh and take notes. But then I get home and I crash, and go back to that dormant state, just to start the cycle over again. I have not written anything, said anything or done anything that I’ve been proud of in so long. I used to have passion for this life that I lead day in, day out, but it’s missing tonight. Instead I see the cloud that has settled over me.
Lost isn’t right, lost isn’t fair. This bleak picture I’m painting tonight is not all there is to my life, but it’s a part I’ve been suppressing for a long time. There are so many things I haven’t said, so many questions left unanswered, so many more left unasked. i feel like I’ve been censoring myself for a long time.

8 months is a long long time.

What did I do today

What did I do today? I played outside. I swung on the swings. I walked in circles. I danced. I spun around so long I fell on the ground and stared up at the sky spinning with me. I blasted my music on the way home and sang along with it, happy comforting music. And I gushed. I allowed myself to relax and play and think about what is making me happy, and what I want to do about it. I don't want to think about the negative side, the scary things, getting hurt on a day like today. I want to go outside and indulge in a daydream. I plan to go lie in a lawn chair and soak up the vestiges of the sun, while plotting my imaginary life. Adios.

quote of the day (well yesterday):
"i may have more pride than a rainbow, but that doesn't make me a lesbian"- Sam